Self Awareness and Your Mental Health

You may have heard the humorous poke comparing death and stupidity, in that when you’re dead you don’t know it and its those around you who are left to suffer – and the same can be said when you’re stupid. Ha… Ha… Ha… I mean, I do get the humor in it, but I’m here

to look at it from an alternate perspective. Which one? The perspective of the ‘stupid.’ Only I don’t believe the person being referred to as stupid is actually dumb at all, I think they typically have a lack of self awareness and social awareness that tend to prevent them from noticing how they’re being perceived by their social audience. 

The main issue here, is that most people in the ‘social audience’ are not willing to be up front with the person, explain how/why they are rubbing people the wrong way, and then even when someone is willing to tell them (usually due to a workplace performance review, and not kindness/mentorship), they explain that they’re not fitting in (or whatever the issue is) but have no idea how to help them develop the skills they are missing, to fit in. And that’s our purpose, today! The following article will explain why self awareness is important in personal and professional success, the signs of lack of self awareness, and how a person can work to develop the skills of emotional intelligence related to self awareness.

What is self awareness and why does it matter?

A Google search on self-awareness will offer many definitions, but a quick and dirty explanation is

the ability to recognize when one’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviours are, or are not, in alignment with their personal values.

Self-awareness matters because it’s the underlying concept on which emotional intelligence is built. Emotional intelligence simply refers to our executive functioning, or higher-level mental skills, that allow us to know ourselves, understand and process our emotions, motivate ourselves and others, empathize with others, and recognize and act within situational social norms. Emotion regulation, motivation, self awareness, empathy, and social skills are all part of ‘human connection.’

Human connection is a central, and innate concept, that is required for us to thrive as a species. When we evolved and developed this higher-level consciousness, part of that evolution involved development of psychological needs – one of which is the need to belong, be loved, and fit in. If we are unable to connect with other humans on a deep and meaningful level, it is difficult for us to find and feel belonging.

How do you know if you are self aware?

A person who is self aware is able to reflect on their thoughts, decisions, and actions more objectively and they are able to recognize when they’ve acted in a manner that might have been offensive, uncomfortable, or off-putting to others. A person who is self aware, emotionally regulated, and empathetic will be able to recognize this AND offer apology for their poor decisions or behaviour (but we will get there another time!).

Often, when a person struggles with self awareness, and therefore belonging, they mask this unfulfilled need by putting up walls or overcompensating in some other area of their personality. Those compensations might look like the following:

- They talk too much or too loudly.

- They insert themselves into conversations or make every conversation about them, because they need people to know how great they are, or know how smart they are, or how popular they are, etc.

- They use sarcasm or try to point fault/shame toward others to take any negative spotlight off themselves.

- They are never wrong or able to accept failure without inputting a ‘but’ into their attempt at accountability (i.e., I get that I was responsible, but…)

- Or they rely on angry outbursts to make others too uncomfortable to speak out against them.

In their defense, they don’t typically do these things consciously, but more so based on a psychological defense mechanism to protect themselves from the discomfort of coming to terms with the fact that they don’t belong and haven’t found their social ‘fit.’ In other words, when someone is lacking in self-awareness, their ego usually gets involved to protect them from feeling lonely or self-doubting. Which is what makes it a little more difficult to help them overcome these unhelpful behaviours – the ego is strong in those ones!

How can we develop self awareness?

To consider what can be done to develop self awareness skills, let’s take another look at the definition offered above, and focus on some key features. Again, self awareness is the ability to recognize when one’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviours are, or are not, in alignment with their personal values.

What’s really great about this that can help those who are struggling with lack of self awareness?

1. It’s an ability – that means it’s skill-based.

2. It’s highly tied to emotional awareness.

3. It’s intertwined with personal values.

1. Self Awareness is a Skillset of Emotional Intelligence

The fact that self-awareness is skill-based is fantastic because that means it is a mental skill that we can learn, practice, and develop. Perfect! This means that all of those people who have no idea about how they’re actually being perceived, or why they cause annoyance, tension, or conflict on the regs can get on

a path of being less annoying, tense, or conflicting… right? Technically, yes! However, it’s not a quick journey and the big hurdle to overcome is that those who aren’t self-aware, typically aren’t self-aware enough to recognize how they’re words and behaviours are impacting their relationships with others! 

Well, that’s the idea behind this article – if you aren’t very self aware, but there are areas of the article that are speaking to you, maybe it’s time to start focusing on how others are responding to you, reflecting on your personal interactions, or, if you’ve got the network, start asking those who you can trust. If you’re reading this and it’s bringing to mind someone else who might not be very self aware, know that you can likely help them if you’re able to help them recognize how their behaviours might be being perceived by those around them.

2. Self Awareness is Highly Tied to Emotions

The fact that it’s highly tied to emotional awareness is a bit of a tricky one, because inherently, unless someone has grown or lived in an environment that promoted open and non-judgmental discussion of emotions, most people tend to embrace the ‘good’ emotions and ignore the ‘bad’ ones.

Why do we do this?

It’s easier, and our ego’s are hardwired to encourage us to do so. It’s important to remember that our lower brain, where emotions are regulated is WAAAAYYYYYY older than our upper, thoughtful and intentional brain. So, unless we’ve done the work to develop mental skills of emotion awareness, processing, regulation, and self-reflection, it’s normal for our lower brain to spout big and uncomfortable emotions and for our ego (essentially our fast thinking, unconscious brain) to start pointing fingers toward someone else that we can blame for the discomfort, so that we don’t have to deal with the additional discomfort brought about by acknowledging, “I am the problem, it’s me,” to steal a line from the great Taylor Swift!!

It’s much easier to blame someone else for causing my big emotions (i.e. whatever, you all just need to learn to take a joke) because then I can comfortably let go of the big emotion, and move on with life, knowing I’m not the problem.

It’s way harder for me to become aware of, and process the big emotion (i.e. I’m feeling mad and annoyed by their reactions to my joke). Why?

I guess I’m embarrassed. Why?

Maybe it was inappropriate and insensitive, and I probably shouldn’t have said it in this environment/situation? Yup, probably!

Then to regulate my emotions through some self-reflections (i.e. That’s fair, I can see why they wouldn’t find it funny. It wasn’t my intention to be an ass, I was just trying to be funny, but it didn’t land due to the nature of the joke and the situation. Which is okay, I’m human and allowed to make mistakes. I’ll work harder on recognizing my audience and deciding whether my jokes are only funny at the expense of someone in the group, in the future, and if so, bit my tongue).

Reflecting to this degree allows me to take some deep breaths so I can get back into (or stay in) my upper thinking brain while the emotions try to take over, think through the emotions rationally, and regulate them so the original feelings of ‘anger and annoyance’ don’t lead to a reaction dripping in poor self-awareness!

3. Self Awareness and Personal Values

And finally, the fact that self-awareness is intertwined with personal values is actually a really great thing and is probably the best place to start engaging in developing better self-awareness. It’s great, but maybe not easy! If you know what you value in life, it’s much easier to recognize whether your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours are in alignment with what you value. For example, I value integrity, empathy, and innovation above everything. Does this mean I value these things above my family, or my friends – no. It means that in every interaction I have, with every person in my life or along my path, I will act with integrity, empathy, and innovation – because I get very uncomfortable when these characteristics, traits, or whatever you want to call them, are not present.

This is where most people seem to get lost when they start identifying their values. They start going to the people they value, or the things they value. That’s not what personal values are built on. They are built on the characteristics or traits that help us become, or stay on track with becoming, the type of person we want to be. If you’ve never given much thought to your values, a great place to start is to think of three people you highly respect and consider to be a role model and write down what it is about them that draws you to them. If you notice some similar characteristics or traits in all three, those are probably things you value and strive to become.

Main Takeaways from Today’s Blog:

1. Self awareness is a key factor in developing authentic intra- and inter-personal relationships (intra = relationship with yourself, inter = relationships with others). You can’t like, love, and enjoy your own company if you don’t know who you are, and it’s very difficult for others to do so if they don’t feel they’re getting to know the real you.
   

2. Start with identifying your personal values, and begin each day by reviewing your values, and end each night by reviewing any of your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours that made you feel uncomfortable throughout the day – check for alignment with your values and reflect on any misalignment. If you can’t conceive of any discomfort you felt in your personal interactions, there’s good chance you’re not being honest with yourself. We all feel discomfort throughout our days – discomfort is the only way we grow, develop, and get better, wiser, and more experienced as we age!

Thank you for reading, and I hope you'll join me again for some other blog posts, and to check out the services we offer that can help you gain some well integrated, and holistic balance in your life! Until next time, take care and stay well!